Parenting Styles
(Source: www.ecitizen.gov.sg)

1) The 'Funny' Parent

• Sees life as a game of fun and laughter

• Likes child to try new things

• Has a tendency to use strong words and hurt child's self worth, even in public

• Gives in to child to avoid unpleasant scenes

• Has little respect for child's privacy

2) The 'Controlling' Parent

• Child lives for him; sets rules for child to keep

• Is difficult to please

• Does not praise easily

• Puts undue pressure on child

3) The 'Shadow' Parent

• Is not like that real person on child

• Is someone child would tell secrets to

• Punishes child by being silent towards him

• Gives child little support or attention

• Does not give of himself to child

4) The 'Always There' Parent

• Takes over child's life; Spends a lot of time with him

• Is overly protective

• Is involved in child's life all the time 

• Punishes child for being independent

5) The ' Too Understanding' Parent

• Lets child get away with doing anything he wants

• Tries too hard to please everyone

• Acts based more on feelings than on reason

• Does not set limits on child

6) The 'Helpful' Parent

• Helps child grow as a person

• Keeps a balance between work and family life

• Helps develop child's sense of self-worth

• Helps child think about the problems but does not solve them for him

• Sets limits

• Encourages child to think for himself

• Is patient

Help Your Child Deal With Stress

It is not uncommon for even young children to be exposed to stress. Sources of stress:

Individual

Every child is born with some inherent traits. These traits can affect the way he reacts to people, events and stress.

Environment

For most children, stress from the environment comes primarily from home and school.

Major events

Children are likely to experience some degree of stress as they move from one stage of their development to another. they will experience different situations and encounter events that need new skills and ways of coping.

Interpersonal relationships

A child will experience less stress if his relationship with significant people is warm, loving , accepting and affirming.

Effects of excessive stress

Emotional problems

• depression

• shyness and sensitivity

• inadequacy

• fear and anxiety

Conduct problems

• disobedience

• stealing

• refusal to go to school

• aggression

Physical problems

• nervous mannerisms

• illness

Dealing with stress

Accept stress

Tell your child to expect that life is stressful and help him to anticipate stressful situations.

Adapt to home environment

Have as few changes as possible in caregivers and keep to routine in the home.

Set realistic expectations

Set appropriate standards for your child and be willing to accept less than the best. Know the capabilities and inclinations of your child work within his capabilities.

Avoid overload

Monitor your child's schedule to unsure he is not overloaded and that he has time to work and rest.

Encourage play and recreation

Have fun with your child

Make preparations

Help your child to prepare for stressful situations.

Teach relaxation

Teach your child to relax and let him be creative in choosing the kind of play he wants.

Strengthen relationships

Make your child feel wanted and accepted. This will tell him that he has someone to turn to, to share feelings and concern with, and to find protection.

Teach coping skills

Give your child the opportunity to experiment and experience success in what he does. Resist the temptation to intervene in every situation he encounters.

Parenting Tools

Parenting can be made easier with the help of parenting tools. Here are two common approaches:

Problem-Solving with STAR

The STAR approach defines the child guidance process:

S - Stop and Focus (on yourself, your child and the problem)
T - Think of Ideas (lots of different ideas)
A - Act Effectively (the most wonderful plan will not work if you don't do it)
R - Review, Revise and Reward (tweak the plans several times till the situation is satisfactorily resolved)

Applying the STAR

(The STAR tools comes with 5 sets if parenting tools)

1. Look for Good Behaviour

The easiest way to get good behaviour is to look for it. 

Give Attention - all children need attention. If you notice them being "bad", they will misbehave.

Praise - be specific, sincere and immediate. Praise effects other then success.

Reward - something the child wants and has to be given right away for the specific behaviour

Note: When a reward is given ahead of time to prevent certain behaviour, rewards should be gradually decreased.


2.Aviod Problems

The easiest way to solve a problem is to avoid it.

Avoid problems by preventing then and not by pretending that they do not exist.

Make exceptions clear - tell the child what to do instead of what not to do.

Tell the child how to succeed rather then how to fail.

Change the situation - change the environment of setting, the schedule or activities.

3. Acknowledge Feelings

Life will be more pleasant when you acknowledge the feelings

Use simple comments like "okay", "uh-huh", "really" , "tell me more" to indicate you are listening.

Active listening - give the child full attention.

Describe the situation and the child's feelings.

Grant in fantasy - give the child in pretence what you can't give him reality.

4. Set Appropriate Limits

States clear rules - geared to the child's age and personality.

Develop consequences - make it a real choice that is related to the child's behaviour. This needs follow through in a gentle and yet firm manner.

Differentiate consequence from threat (which tends to frighten/shame the child into obedience).

Follow through - carry out the consequential action immediately.

Note: The effect of the rule is weakened every time an exception is made. Re-set the limits and explain to the child the reasons.

5. Teach New Skills

Identify and list the abilities the child needs to complete the task.

Model exactly what you want the child to do and encourage it with attention and praise.

For a complicated task, divide it into small steps and teach him each step.

6. Stop, Think and Do Parenting

Re-do the task until the child gets it right, especially when teaching physical habits.

Using the traffic lights as an analogy, this set of parenting tools is designed based on the three-colour code. The steps involved are:

RED Light - STOP
Look and listen - stop yourself form reacting impulsively
Stop yourself form communicating feeling the way wrong way.

YELLOW Light - THINK
Think of several possible solutions
Consider likely consequences of solutions

GREEN Light - DO
Choose a solution - agree on the best solution to DO
Act - do the plan of action and follow it up

Applying Stop, Think and Do

How to STOP?

When you are used to reacting quickly....

• Physically take a step backwards from the problem situation (unless someone is in immediate danger).

• Count to 5 and ask to clam down.

• Don't make assumptions to guess why it is happening.

• Don't shout or yell at your child.

• Use only eye and ears at this stage to observe what is actually taking place. Get a clear picture of what your child is actually doing or saying.

How to Think?

When you are used to solve the problems for your child...

• If you communicate well with your child, he will take the initiative to resolve the problems.

• Face your child and stat the brainstorming exercise with him.

• Listen attentively to your child's ideas.

• Don't criticise, redicule or judge any suggestion.

• Offer your ideas as alternative suggestions.

• Encourage as many solutions as possible and write then down if necessary.

• If the situation is urgent, raise the issue later to consider other possibilities.

• Once ideas have been generated, consider the likely consequences of each suggestion.

• Restate the suggestion and ask your child what he thinks of the likely consequence.

• Listen tentatively to his feelings.

• Express your feelings about the consequences using "I" messages.

How to DO?

• Decide what the feeling is about the problem.

• Approach your child face to face. With younger children, use physical cues to gain attention.

• State the feeling and problem clearly using "I".

• messages.

• Repeat the message if your child ignores or fail to respond.

• Show appreciation to your child if he respond and proceed to resolve the issue.